"My Husband washes my Undies"

My country is indeed an interesting place! I read with consternation as a couple of women reportedly emerged on social media to announce to the world what their spouses do and whatnots. I believe the whole noise came off one of the events on the ongoing BBNaija show where one of the contestants reportedly washed the pants of his love interest. And the dying-to-be-distracted throng of Nigerian youths started another session of tantrum throwing on the internet over whether Neo (so is his name) should have or have not washed Vee's (I hope am correct) panties. And the stuff even made it to Premium Times and BBC . 

So much noise about nothing, if you ask me!

This is not the first time this is happening. In a previous season of BBNaija, another housemate sparked controversies for washing the undies of his love interest. A lot of internet perfectionists came out with condemnations or adulations. Others came with nothing. I call it the dying-to-be-distracted throng. The mass of Nero's imitators who are fiddling while their nation burns. The troop of social media lions and lionesses who have solutions for every problem except the ones that matter to them the most.

My piece is not about that group. For one, I am not yet ready to be a target of their trolling. There are more pertinent matters to tackle here. I am more concerned about a married person, a woman or a man, coming out to state what her or his spouse washes or not. If yet-to-be married folks engage in this misnomer, I have no opinion on that because problems and challenges seem simple and easy when they are someone else's. When they become ours, the ability to take the same advice that you have so vehemently given to others, become a problem in itself.

Obi loves his wife, Nnenna, so very much. They have been married for five years and counting. Both of them are so happy in their relationship. Every thing is perfect. Or so it seems! Obi is a struggling young man, dealing with the economic hardships of living in a country where every political office holder/civil servant is outdoing others in the art if stealing public funds. The Toyota Camry '96 model that he managed to buy from an old friend, was recently neatly moved away forever from the street where he parked it when he went to condole a friend who lost his mother. Since then, he and his wife have resorted to taking okada for their daily commutes and their two children go to a cheap private school with the keke-man that lives two houses away from them. To augment for all the troubles, he feels he has caused his wife (for not accepting to move out of the country when they had the opportunity), Obi does laundry, cooks in the house, does groceries and even bathes the kids. 

I do not know where you expected this story to go. But what I have just described for you is the socio-economic condition of more than 70% of Nigerian newly-weds today. We live a society where what matters is the next meal much more than any other thing. A society where the next meal is the most compelling need is a subsistence one and it is consumerist, opportunistic and people tend to be desparate.

Having said these, what a husband or a wife does in any marriage is not something to be discussed in public. This is because no too marriages are the same. Obi might be able to do laundry (including undies), do groceries, bathe the kids and still be a terrible husband. And so is any woman. Creating the impression that when someone washes his/her parner's undies is a sign of weakness or strength, is gross fallacy. Loving one's spouse is not a function of what you wash or do not wash. It is rather a commitment to do whatever it takes to make someone happy. I always say that if a couple could share children, there is nothing else they cannot share. What works for one may not work for another. As such, let's be less prescriptive about what works. What if a husband who washes undies is abusive and the wife who washes boxers is something equally bad? What if the man who gives you a Ferrari and oen expensive house also has other women whom you share him with? A good marriage does not start with what works for others or copying what you think some happy couple somewhere is doing. It starts with knowing your partner and both parties finding out what works for them and following that dutifully. I sha know that there is a lot of give-and-take involved because no one person can take all the advantages and refuse to also take the unsavoury ones.

So back to Obi and Nnenna, Nnenna is an impressive wife. She really does not do all those because her work does not give her the time to do them. She is the breadwinner. Since things turned bad for the husband, she stepped in and gave her all to her job, making it possible for them to even have a roof over their heads. Obi does the laundry because Nnenna is hardly home anytime before 6 pm. He bathes the kids and gets them ready for school because she has to wake up at 4 am and get ready to join the company bus by 5.30 am in order to beat traffic, be at the office at 7.30am and still save a lot on transport money. What Obi has done is to step into spots where his wife is not able to fill in while she herself is filling in the financial side. Marriage is a partnership. It is not a competition. "My husband washes my panties", sounds to me like competition. 

For Neo and Vee, living in the Big Brother House is like living in a bubble. When they get out of the House and their relationship continues, if what works for them is for Neo to wash the undies of everyone in his in-law's house on a daily business, whose business is it if it works for them? Mind you, those people who tell you how it emasculates you when you wash such stuff for the women in your life, do not take them at their words until you have seen the way they live. My little experience in life has taught me that those who are quick to give advice are always the last to follow their own words when they find themselves in similar situations. If you doubt me, try and see your doctor or nurse taking drugs and injections when they are sick. Those people who talk about staying strong and being the man could be doing things that you cannot even imagine. They could also have the worst marriages ever and yet they would conveniently forget to mention that part. Do not be deceived! Social media is not life as it is. It is life as it should be!

Let me close this chooking-my-mouth-into-something-wey-no-concern-me by telling you what works for me and my wife in case you find it useful in any way. We are glad to share it with you and we hope you find it work for you too. 

What works for us is that IT IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS!