"Call me if you need anything..."

People are very nice generally. You know this when you see someone hurt in an accident or someone collapses in the middle of the street. Every one becomes concerned. The reasons for may differ, bit there's hardly any one that looks away from an individual or persons that are involved in an accident. But when you need help yourself. I mean when you actually ask for help by yourself. It's shocking how, in the main, we draw excuses of why the help wouldn't come other than the help you actually need.

 

Why? Why do we get more help when we are helpless and visibly can do little for ourselves that when we actually ask for it? Like an aged person trying to get somewhere or do something. Or even a pregnant woman. Which reminds me quite humorously about this friend of mine who received unsolicited helping in crossing an open sewer, with an unsolicited admonition to take it easy on herself as a young mother-to-be, because this helper thought she was pregnant. She didn't bother contradicting him. She just endured the unwarranted attention of being led carefully across the gutter and then being settled down safely on the other side. She had no choice but to receive a lecture on how careless young ladies "in your condition" are these days, and how she should be more concerned about her baby. She could have asked for a taxi or told a son story and the man could have provided for her at that moment. This is a total stranger who walked right out as soon as he has finished doing this un-needed help. Turn around and ask friends and family for help; the story changes.

 

The reason for this is not far-fetched. There could be other more individualized reasons for those whom you thought would bail you eventually "ghosting" you after you ask for their help. There is something called PRIORITIES. It is synonymous with something called "scale of preference." Everyone has it. Both the "helpee" and the would-be helper. It is this scale of preference that determines who is helped and who is not. It is not necessarily because they are wicked, selfish and insensitive. Scale of preference comes in because no one has everything to help everyone. Sometimes, when you ask someone for financial assistance, you are being selfish by assuming that this person doesn't have any use for the money and that he should just give it to you. And when you pick offence that he hasn't given it to you, you are actually the one that is selfish and insensitive. Yes, selfish because you're only seeing it from your point of view and not the other person's.

 

People, even strangers are willing to help a pregnant lady, an old person, people in accident, because those are emergencies. They are verifiable extreme cases which stirs up the compassionate side of being human. And they are more compelling than cases where you send an SMS or call to ask for help. Some are even more terrible: you call someone or chat them up out of politeness and the next moment they are asking you for money. It makes the individual wonder: what if I didn't call? Now you know why that relative or friend has been acting strange. I will try to give a sketchy scale of preference:

 

1. Extreme emergencies - this comes before personal needs sometimes.

 

2. Personal needs - everyone has them. When you're married, your family takes more from you than you give to yourself. Some parents don't even buy new clothes for them just to make sure their own children are okay.

 

3. Sustenance - rent and the likes. Some people pay rent, school fees for children, dues for different guilds, etc., Maintain their cars, houses, etc. 

 

4. Personal responsibilities - these are varied, from immediate family to extended. As Africans, you have your parents, who require healthcare, feeding and other forms of care.

 

5. Capital projects - you need accommodation for yourself. Where we come from, there's no mortgage. So, you save, borrow or invest in order to raise money for this.  

 

6. Funds for emergencies - When you live in a country without medical insurance or any form of insurance at all, there is always need to keep something on the side maka adị ama ama, [lit. because you never know, meaning for emergencies] Igbo people would say.

 

7. Then there is the space for friends. Even at that, there are gradations of friends. There are people you are indebted to monetarily and those you cannot say "no" to. They come at the top while those who are known for always asking for one help or the other find themselves at the bottom. So, no matter who are you to an individual, no matter how little you think he has given you before; once someone gives you money as a form of help, he or she does not expect you to ask again. This is because everyone wants to make room on that list for other things. Hence, the more frequently you ask, the less likely you are going to get. The more you find yourself at the bottom of everyone's list because people talk to each other and they eventually know you have been asking around.

 

I may have missed out some. It does not matter where you live because even people living abroad have relatives back home who are their direct responsibilities.

 

I have come to learn that "call me anything you need anything", does not mean that you should call. It is like an Igbo person whom you are visiting telling you, "Nri abịa o. Bịa rie nri" [Food has come. Come and eat]. It is often not an invitation to come but a polite way of saying, "I hope you don't mind me eating while we continue". Some people will even insist, but you are taught by your parents to know that no matter the insistence, you are not supposed to become onye ụsa or ụsakpereke or akpịrị ogologo [gluttonous person]. The last one is even more interesting, because it means "long throat", I suppose that's where we got the Pidgin English "langa throat."

 

I am not writing this to sermonize. Neither am I being sanctimonious. I have been a culprit too. I have shamelessly asked for money, even from people I should ordinarily be giving money to. I am not proud of that. But it has been a lesson for me. And the world we live in, especially in dysfunctional societies, can be very brutal. People make it look as if we are lazy, that's why we beg for money and help. That is not true! We should not forget the Igbo proverb which says, " a child whose chi is breaking palm kernel for, should not think that others are lazy". Nobody gets it easy at all. Everyone has some battle to grapple with. But some are better off than others. Let's help where we can. Since government has abandoned most of us, it is not easy for people to give because everyone wants to conserve as much resources as possible. There is so much uncertainty everywhere! You are the one in need. Take out time to find alternatives. Let asking someone else for money become the least and most unusable of your options. Money is not made by muscle. Wealth is created in the head and once you render service; once you are able to bring out what people really need, you will blow. Even those who were ghosting you before, will begin to call you. You may need a PA and a secretary to take your calls. That is how empires are made. 

But remember, once you cross to the other side, the side of the privileged; there will still be people in your present state around you and then you find yourself telling them also: "Call me, if you need anything".